Good Grief

For some months now I have been pondering on what grief is and how and why I still grieve years after the loss. 

According to Wikipedia “Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed…Grief is the reaction to that loss.  Grief is a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away.”

I understand and agree with Wikipedia but as I have been contemplating and reflecting on my life I have come to discover certain things about grief and the grieving process for me that I want to remember, so hence the blog post.

I was watching a friend last month who had lost a daughter some 25 years ago and the grief appeared to be felt just as strong as it was in the days following her death, I wondered why.  I then thought of my own father ‘s death some 5 years ago and how much it still affects me.

As I was in deep thought one day during the holiday season it came to me as to why I still grieved the loss of my father.  It wasn’t just that I missed his physical presence in my life, which I do, it was that I grieved all the things that might have been.  I wanted so much for him and my mom to come and visit me in Thailand, and to share my experience with them. They had tickets and were scheduled to leave two days after his scheduled doctor’s appointment for a cough. They never made that flight because he was told in that visit that he had cancer. As I write this post the tears are flowing, because I realize that the three weeks that he would have spent with me in Thailand in October of 2011 would not have affected the outcome.  But those weeks would have meant the WORLD to me.  I still grieve the experiences I could have shared with my Dad.  He would have loved Thailand.  A few years later I did bring my mom, but the grief for what I missed not having my dad there was still present.

The first thing that I learned about grief, or my reaction to loss, was that the continued process of grieving for me is longing to share experiences with someone that is no longer a part of your life.

The second thing I learned about my own grief is it is okay for me to grieve over the loss of something. Grief doesn’t necessarily have do with the death of a person. 

My mind went to the fact that my children are grown and have flown the coop, and I am proud of all four of them!  Yet, I feel the loss of being a full-time mother, my reality for 34 years of my life.  No don’t get me wrong I am loving being an empty nester, but the loss is still felt by me as I work to reinvent myself.

The other thing I thought of was the loss of friendships due to changes in our lives.  We grow up, we move, we marry and have a family and careers.  All of those are wonderful things and yet sometimes important friendships get lost along the way.  I felt it acutely when I left to live in Asia.  Expats will certainly understand when I say that relationships and friendships become your lifeline to sanity and reality when you live overseas.  After being gone for so many years I learned who my true friends were and who I could count on, but I still felt the loss of friendships for others that didn't last the passing of time.  I learned that in this life relationships matter.  We should matter to each other.  I am sorry for the loss of friendships of the past and I am working hard to let people in my life know now that they are valued and important. 

In my pondering, I discovered that grief has been good for me.  It has taught me things about myself that I would not have learned any other way.  I will still grieve, but in my grieving, I will learn to love more, appreciate time spend with those important to me and I will cherish the memories!  Good Grief!