May Days

I have been trying to get back to blogging and being in school is taking more time then I realized and so my blogging days have been few and far between.  Somedays will come and go but there are no days quite like my... MAY DAYS!

I left my home in Thailand the end of April to begin my crazy and filled MAY DAYS...

First stop was to Seattle and then on to Utah.  Arriving in Utah on May 1st I was to spend the next two weeks helping Audrey get ready for the birth of grandchild number four - and the 1st granddaughter.  Carly Mae was scheduled to be born on May 9th - so I had some precious time with Austin and Jack before the princess arrived.

Second stop Madison Wisconsin for the graduation of my son David from the the MBA program and to help him move to Orem Utah - to start a new job.  I left Audrey and family a few days after Carly's arrive and landed in Milwaukee and then drove to Madison.  Graduation on Saturday and packing and moving on Sunday and Monday.  Tuesday night David and I set out for Orem Utah - and the LONG drive!

Third week I landed back at Audrey's for some time with all four grandsons and snuggles with Carly. Oh and bought a piece of property to build a house on in Elk Ridge Utah!

Fourth week I was off to Dallas Texas to see Laura and Scott and help them unpack from moving apartments, grateful that Scotts parents flew in the week before to help them pack to move!  Had a BIG Texan style burger with some fried pickles and a large trip to Ikea with Laura.  Then mid week flight to visit my BFF in San Antonio for a day and then back to Dallas for the final May weekend!

My MAY DAYS were crazy busy and it makes me tired just thinking of all the miles I traveled in that month...roughly 15500 but family is WORTH every mile!  

Heidi Goes to the Alps

Being able to travel while living abroad has been a great blessing in my life.  I fulfilled one my dreams this past week, visiting "Heidiland" in Switzerland.  To be honest I never really liked my name and so this was a chance for me to connect with my namesake in a beautiful setting.  I find that I am more appreciative of the name that was given to me by my father who loved the childrens story "Heidi" by Johanna Spyri.  

Johanna used to spend her childhood summers in the Marienfeld area of Graubunden in the Swiss Alps.  She then used this setting for her classic novel, Heidi.  The book was first published in 1880 and is still a read children and adults all over the world.  

I have learned to love my name and to embrace what it stands for.  There are many things that can be learned from this novel and from the little girl "Heidi"  Here are some of my favorite quotes and I would like to think that I see myself in the words that were written well over 120 years ago. 


 “I'll always say my prayers...and if God doesn't answer them at once I shall know it's because He's planning something better for me.” 

“God certainly knows of some happiness for us which He is going to bring out of the trouble, only we must have patience and not run away. And then all at once something happens and we see clearly ourselves that God has had some good thought in His mind all along; but because we cannot see things beforehand, and only know how dreadfully miserable we are, we think it is always going to be so.” 

“God is good to all of us. He knows what we need better than we do. And just because he thinks it is better not to give you what you want right now doesn't mean he isn't answering you. You shall have what you ask for but not until the right time comes.” 

“God arranges everything for us, so that we need have no more fear or trouble and may be quite sure that all things will come right in the end.”

“It was so lovely, Heidi stood with tears pouring down her cheeks, and thanked God for letting her come home to it again. She could find no words to express her feelings, but lingered until the light began to fade and then ran on.” 

And the final quote, which each time I read it it reaffirms how I truly feel.

“If I spend every moment, for the rest of my days, thanking God for all his goodness to us, that would still not be enough.”

I am grateful for my name, I am grateful for what it stands for, I am grateful for my wonderful life and all the blessings that the Lord has seen fit to bestow upon me.

Mantra Time

I have had a few days to do nothing but be quiet, heal and think.  Surgery will do that to a person.  Hospital stays of over a week can do that for a person.  So after my many hours of contemplating the many facets of my life, I am excited to say that I have finally decided on my mantra for this year.  I know it is late but in all honesty I have been a little preoccupied! Ron, of course, tells me that I should keep my mantra from last year...  

"Strive to view my self-worth as the Lord does rather than through the eyes of the world."

Which will actually be a lifetime mantra as I still have work to do on actually feeling like I can live this way each day.  It is with great personal pleasure that I introduce my 2016 mantra...

Walk by faith

Be grateful

Love much

Be happy

What exactly is a mantra and why do I have a new one each year.  A mantra, according to the great Webster, is...

noun man·tra \ˈmän-trə also ˈman- or ˈmən-\

       : a sound, word, or phrase that is repeated by someone who is praying or meditating


: a word or phrase that is repeated often or that expresses someone's basic beliefs

In an earlier post I expressed why I blog, it is a form of meditation for me.  I use mantras to help me focus on a certain behavior, attitude or skill that I would like to develop over the coming year.  Not that I fully develop them but I feel like I am progressing into becoming a better person as I live by my mantra.  Having it posted on my wall, my blog, calendar and fridge helps me to repeat it often so that I am aware of what I am trying to change.  So this year I will...

Walk by Faith

         I will try not to let doubts cloud my mind.  I will be faithful instead of fearful.  I will trust the Lord and follow the promptings that I receive.

Be Grateful

         I will focus more of my efforts in showing gratitude in my prayers then in asking for blessings.  I will try to thank others for the things that they do that might go unnoticed and unappreciated.

Love Much

         I don’t think that one can love enough.  Show it, express it and be grateful that you have people to love and who love you.  I am going to try to be nice and kind to all that cross my path, in this world that is a tall order.  It seems that so many people are bent on hurting, fighting, harming and putting down others, the world would be a better place if we all would Love Much.

Be Happy

         Such a simple phrase and yet it is hard to do at times.  I look around and see the unfairness of things. But I need to be content with life and the beauty it holds every morning.  

Smiling & Still SASSY!

Surgery completed and now for the healing and recovering phase begin!   ENOUGH already!  I just want to be me again.  Finding and dealing with this "second" cancer has been going on since November 2015 and I am getting fed up with all the time it is sucking from my life! Wow glad I got that out of my system it makes me feel so much better already.

Post Surgery and Still Smiling

Albeit, my above rant I want it to be known that I am grateful for the many prayers that have been said on my behalf, for the love that I have felt across the miles and for the get well wishes from around the world.  I can truly say that I was uplifted and my burden was made lighter by so many willing to walk with me again into the shadow of darkness: known to many as CANCER.   Sometimes you find yourself going down a rabbit hole and never really know where it will lead or how deep it will get!  I jumped down this rabbit hole of cancer for the second time and I think I have reached the bottom and now I just have to find my way back to the top.  But what I have learned is that there is light at the end of the tunnel or hole in this case!  The Lord always leave the light on for us if we but stop and take the time to look, listen and then react.

Many emotions have passed through me since that day in November when I visited with the doctors with the idea that there might be a problem.  I worried endlessly about those that I have offended or hurt in any way.  So, I tried to make amends to anyone I may have offended or hurt over the years. (The list was extremely short as I tend to apologize quickly, I don't really relishing guilty feelings.) Still that was some very awkward letter writing, but it put my mind at ease. One responded with a "hey I don't even remember that situation you are so forgiven Heidi, don't give it a second thought." While another one chose to not acknowledge my attempt to seek forgiveness.  Maybe they didn't get that letter I sent, maybe they thought it was unimportant but the point is that I wanted to be free from any negative feelings that I may have caused. I did my best to ask for forgiveness and to forgive others and that is all anyone can do.  I needed to go into this rabbit hole I am calling cancer head first with clean hands and a pure heart. It is after all you can do then the Lord will help you with the rest.  I needed the Lords help to get me this far and I will still need His help during this recovery phrase.

 Angry, upset, left alone, forgotten, and used are some of the terms that I might use to describe some of the feelings that have crossed my train of thought over the past three months.  I am just tired of all the test, scans, doctor appointments and endless blood work.  When you are diagnosed with something like this you are put on the "hamster health wheel" and you just keep spinning until you are told to stop and by then you are so dizzy you are not your best self you feel like you are just lost.  I am hoping that I do not feel that way this time, I am in charge and I am going to stay in charge of my health and ain't no one going to stand in my way.  WOW that felt good to get that out too!  I better close this post up or I will not be responsible for what my fingers type!

CANCER round TWO!!

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like odd numbers.  I prefer things to even.  For example if the TV volume is set on 37 I will drop it to 36; if cans of corn are 3 for $1.00 I will buy 6.  Ron says that this is one of my many unique features and so I am going with that description.  So, it should not be a surprise to find that twice!  Yep, that is right after 15 years of being cancer free it is reared it’s ugly head again.

Following a prompting, premonition, intuition, womanly instinct or what ever you want to call it I visited with a breast surgeon last November to just have things checked out.  My last mammogram was in January of 2015, and all was clear, so I am not sure why I felt I needed to make the appointment.  After a brief exam, and new mammogram and ultra sound it was concluded that I had a few calcification deposits in the same spot as my previous cancer.  I asked the Doctor to do a needle biopsy, which came back inconclusive. We then scheduled an “open biopsy” for December 22, 2015.  We when got the results both of us were a little taken back.  It was indeed invasive DCIS and it was also estrogen positive. Which is highly unusual since it was in previously radiated tissue and the fact that I have had all the female estrogen producing parts removed back 2009 as a preventative.  But then again if you know me you know that never do things by the book – I am just unusual! The tumor was small but due to the fact that I have already radiated that tissue my course of treatment was limited.

We celebrated Christmas and later in January I went to the USA and had the chance to visit my previous surgeon.  Armed with all kinds of test results, scans, lab results and Dr. notes I went to seek additional advice.  After that visit and subsequent visits with my surgeon and oncologist here in Thailand I have decided to have a double mastectomy tomorrow, March 16^th 2016.

How do I feel on the eve of this big decision?  I surprisingly feel calm and peaceful.  I decided a few months ago that I was going to live by faith and not by fear.  Most people tend to fear the unknown and I refuse to be most people!  I have been working on having faith and proceeding forward into the unknown with my head held high and my heart full of gratitude and love for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for the knowledge that I know that a loving Father in Heaven watches me after and knows what trials that I can not only endure but those that I can also learn from.  My family and friends are praying for me all across the America and in many other countries around the world.  With all of this support I can go forth with faith and peace to handle what ever is thrown in my life’s path. 


The Lord, Jesus Christ said “ Be not afraid, only believe” and I believe! I trust in the Lord and I will lean on Him he is my rock and my salvation. He knows how to “succor the weak, lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the feeble knees” He will watch over me it is He who gives me peace.




I am excited to see what new things I can learn from this experience, more sympathy, more empathy, more love for the Lord, others and myself.  I am ready for CANCER round TWO!

Hello...it's me

To quote Adele...

"Hello, it's me... I was wandering if after all these (months) you like to meet to go over everything.  They say that time's supposed to heal ya. But I ain't done much healing...Hello, how are you?  It's so typical of me to talk about myself... I am sorry...I hope you are well."



"Hello blog, it's me"...The months just seem to keep slipping by and I haven't taken the time to write my thoughts, feelings or impressions.  I will admit that a lot has been going on, school, family, and some major health issues, but that is no excuse for leaving my blog unused.   I am sure that if I would blog a little more I would have the outlet I need to express myself in words, thoughts and photos and hat would make me more aware of the blessings in my life.

Healing our hearts, minds and physical bodies requires work, introspection, forgiveness and a whole lot of patience.  I was told recently by a trusted friend that I should learn to meditate so that I could embrace my weakness and vulnerabilities so that they could become a sense of strength in my life.  My immediate response to that was ..."Ain't nobody got time for dat", hence the reason this person probable thought it might be a good idea.  Blogging to me is a form of self meditation as I have to slow down and think about what is in my mind and heart and then find the correct words to use to describe my thoughts and feelings.

So here is to my self prescribed blogging meditation...let the healing begin.

Life in Black and White

One of the things that has really brought me so much joy and happiness over the last eight years is taking photo of the things that I "feel". That is different then the things that I see.  What I try to achieve is to capture my emotions or feelings of the experience that I am having at the time.  So when I look back at my photos I connect again with the experience through the feelings that I tried to capture.   I was reading about black and white photography and found this quote by Ted Grant which sums up how I feel about my black & white canvas...

"When you photograph people in color, you photograph their clothes. But when you photograph people in Black and white, you photograph their souls!”

Here are some of my favorites "emotions" taken in USA, Thailand, China, Myanmar, India and Austria

Loving Grace

Longing

Light and Life