Mantra Time

I have had a few days to do nothing but be quiet, heal and think.  Surgery will do that to a person.  Hospital stays of over a week can do that for a person.  So after my many hours of contemplating the many facets of my life, I am excited to say that I have finally decided on my mantra for this year.  I know it is late but in all honesty I have been a little preoccupied! Ron, of course, tells me that I should keep my mantra from last year...  

"Strive to view my self-worth as the Lord does rather than through the eyes of the world."

Which will actually be a lifetime mantra as I still have work to do on actually feeling like I can live this way each day.  It is with great personal pleasure that I introduce my 2016 mantra...

Walk by faith

Be grateful

Love much

Be happy

What exactly is a mantra and why do I have a new one each year.  A mantra, according to the great Webster, is...

noun man·tra \ˈmän-trə also ˈman- or ˈmən-\

       : a sound, word, or phrase that is repeated by someone who is praying or meditating


: a word or phrase that is repeated often or that expresses someone's basic beliefs

In an earlier post I expressed why I blog, it is a form of meditation for me.  I use mantras to help me focus on a certain behavior, attitude or skill that I would like to develop over the coming year.  Not that I fully develop them but I feel like I am progressing into becoming a better person as I live by my mantra.  Having it posted on my wall, my blog, calendar and fridge helps me to repeat it often so that I am aware of what I am trying to change.  So this year I will...

Walk by Faith

         I will try not to let doubts cloud my mind.  I will be faithful instead of fearful.  I will trust the Lord and follow the promptings that I receive.

Be Grateful

         I will focus more of my efforts in showing gratitude in my prayers then in asking for blessings.  I will try to thank others for the things that they do that might go unnoticed and unappreciated.

Love Much

         I don’t think that one can love enough.  Show it, express it and be grateful that you have people to love and who love you.  I am going to try to be nice and kind to all that cross my path, in this world that is a tall order.  It seems that so many people are bent on hurting, fighting, harming and putting down others, the world would be a better place if we all would Love Much.

Be Happy

         Such a simple phrase and yet it is hard to do at times.  I look around and see the unfairness of things. But I need to be content with life and the beauty it holds every morning.  

Smiling & Still SASSY!

Surgery completed and now for the healing and recovering phase begin!   ENOUGH already!  I just want to be me again.  Finding and dealing with this "second" cancer has been going on since November 2015 and I am getting fed up with all the time it is sucking from my life! Wow glad I got that out of my system it makes me feel so much better already.

Post Surgery and Still Smiling

Albeit, my above rant I want it to be known that I am grateful for the many prayers that have been said on my behalf, for the love that I have felt across the miles and for the get well wishes from around the world.  I can truly say that I was uplifted and my burden was made lighter by so many willing to walk with me again into the shadow of darkness: known to many as CANCER.   Sometimes you find yourself going down a rabbit hole and never really know where it will lead or how deep it will get!  I jumped down this rabbit hole of cancer for the second time and I think I have reached the bottom and now I just have to find my way back to the top.  But what I have learned is that there is light at the end of the tunnel or hole in this case!  The Lord always leave the light on for us if we but stop and take the time to look, listen and then react.

Many emotions have passed through me since that day in November when I visited with the doctors with the idea that there might be a problem.  I worried endlessly about those that I have offended or hurt in any way.  So, I tried to make amends to anyone I may have offended or hurt over the years. (The list was extremely short as I tend to apologize quickly, I don't really relishing guilty feelings.) Still that was some very awkward letter writing, but it put my mind at ease. One responded with a "hey I don't even remember that situation you are so forgiven Heidi, don't give it a second thought." While another one chose to not acknowledge my attempt to seek forgiveness.  Maybe they didn't get that letter I sent, maybe they thought it was unimportant but the point is that I wanted to be free from any negative feelings that I may have caused. I did my best to ask for forgiveness and to forgive others and that is all anyone can do.  I needed to go into this rabbit hole I am calling cancer head first with clean hands and a pure heart. It is after all you can do then the Lord will help you with the rest.  I needed the Lords help to get me this far and I will still need His help during this recovery phrase.

 Angry, upset, left alone, forgotten, and used are some of the terms that I might use to describe some of the feelings that have crossed my train of thought over the past three months.  I am just tired of all the test, scans, doctor appointments and endless blood work.  When you are diagnosed with something like this you are put on the "hamster health wheel" and you just keep spinning until you are told to stop and by then you are so dizzy you are not your best self you feel like you are just lost.  I am hoping that I do not feel that way this time, I am in charge and I am going to stay in charge of my health and ain't no one going to stand in my way.  WOW that felt good to get that out too!  I better close this post up or I will not be responsible for what my fingers type!

CANCER round TWO!!

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like odd numbers.  I prefer things to even.  For example if the TV volume is set on 37 I will drop it to 36; if cans of corn are 3 for $1.00 I will buy 6.  Ron says that this is one of my many unique features and so I am going with that description.  So, it should not be a surprise to find that twice!  Yep, that is right after 15 years of being cancer free it is reared it’s ugly head again.

Following a prompting, premonition, intuition, womanly instinct or what ever you want to call it I visited with a breast surgeon last November to just have things checked out.  My last mammogram was in January of 2015, and all was clear, so I am not sure why I felt I needed to make the appointment.  After a brief exam, and new mammogram and ultra sound it was concluded that I had a few calcification deposits in the same spot as my previous cancer.  I asked the Doctor to do a needle biopsy, which came back inconclusive. We then scheduled an “open biopsy” for December 22, 2015.  We when got the results both of us were a little taken back.  It was indeed invasive DCIS and it was also estrogen positive. Which is highly unusual since it was in previously radiated tissue and the fact that I have had all the female estrogen producing parts removed back 2009 as a preventative.  But then again if you know me you know that never do things by the book – I am just unusual! The tumor was small but due to the fact that I have already radiated that tissue my course of treatment was limited.

We celebrated Christmas and later in January I went to the USA and had the chance to visit my previous surgeon.  Armed with all kinds of test results, scans, lab results and Dr. notes I went to seek additional advice.  After that visit and subsequent visits with my surgeon and oncologist here in Thailand I have decided to have a double mastectomy tomorrow, March 16^th 2016.

How do I feel on the eve of this big decision?  I surprisingly feel calm and peaceful.  I decided a few months ago that I was going to live by faith and not by fear.  Most people tend to fear the unknown and I refuse to be most people!  I have been working on having faith and proceeding forward into the unknown with my head held high and my heart full of gratitude and love for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for the knowledge that I know that a loving Father in Heaven watches me after and knows what trials that I can not only endure but those that I can also learn from.  My family and friends are praying for me all across the America and in many other countries around the world.  With all of this support I can go forth with faith and peace to handle what ever is thrown in my life’s path. 


The Lord, Jesus Christ said “ Be not afraid, only believe” and I believe! I trust in the Lord and I will lean on Him he is my rock and my salvation. He knows how to “succor the weak, lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the feeble knees” He will watch over me it is He who gives me peace.




I am excited to see what new things I can learn from this experience, more sympathy, more empathy, more love for the Lord, others and myself.  I am ready for CANCER round TWO!

Hello...it's me

To quote Adele...

"Hello, it's me... I was wandering if after all these (months) you like to meet to go over everything.  They say that time's supposed to heal ya. But I ain't done much healing...Hello, how are you?  It's so typical of me to talk about myself... I am sorry...I hope you are well."



"Hello blog, it's me"...The months just seem to keep slipping by and I haven't taken the time to write my thoughts, feelings or impressions.  I will admit that a lot has been going on, school, family, and some major health issues, but that is no excuse for leaving my blog unused.   I am sure that if I would blog a little more I would have the outlet I need to express myself in words, thoughts and photos and hat would make me more aware of the blessings in my life.

Healing our hearts, minds and physical bodies requires work, introspection, forgiveness and a whole lot of patience.  I was told recently by a trusted friend that I should learn to meditate so that I could embrace my weakness and vulnerabilities so that they could become a sense of strength in my life.  My immediate response to that was ..."Ain't nobody got time for dat", hence the reason this person probable thought it might be a good idea.  Blogging to me is a form of self meditation as I have to slow down and think about what is in my mind and heart and then find the correct words to use to describe my thoughts and feelings.

So here is to my self prescribed blogging meditation...let the healing begin.

Life in Black and White

One of the things that has really brought me so much joy and happiness over the last eight years is taking photo of the things that I "feel". That is different then the things that I see.  What I try to achieve is to capture my emotions or feelings of the experience that I am having at the time.  So when I look back at my photos I connect again with the experience through the feelings that I tried to capture.   I was reading about black and white photography and found this quote by Ted Grant which sums up how I feel about my black & white canvas...

"When you photograph people in color, you photograph their clothes. But when you photograph people in Black and white, you photograph their souls!”

Here are some of my favorites "emotions" taken in USA, Thailand, China, Myanmar, India and Austria

Loving Grace

Longing

Light and Life

Thailand to Rexburg with a little HISTORY In-between

  With only 8,500 miles separating me from the BYU-Idaho campus I was able to start classes again on September 14th.  Each day I get the opportunity to wake up and go to school, via the online degree program!

I love to sign in and get stated with my days assignments.  Going back to school hasn't been easy... because it had been so long since my college days, I was asked to take Math 100B and Math 108 before I could take course for my degree. Both of those classes gave me a run for my MONEY!  I literally can't believe that I paid to take math classes which are not my favorites - but I happily complied and nail it with A's in both of them. That was last year and this year I get to actually take classes that will help me earn a degree in family history.  With 8500 miles between Thailand and Rexburg I still can go to school.

   I am only taking 2 classes and that leaves me with enough time to travel, play and work on my own family history.  Currently, I am transcribing my journals from 1978-1980.  WOW they are pretty interesting and I find that I am deleting things while also adding qualifying information!  Ron actually did the transcribing and I admit I was a little embarrassed about the things that I wrote about and the feelings that I had.  Ron loved reading and typing it, he said "Heidi, you are the same person today as you were back then. You love with your whole heart, you care about people, you want to do good and you love the Lord."  I hope there is some truth to that - I read it and see a young silly college girl who seems to only want to be loved and accepted.
  The project is part of a school assignment that is due in a few weeks and it has been an emotional review of my life as a eighteen year old girl.  Memories and emotions are flooding back, some of them are wonderful, some of them are really quite funny and some of them are hurtful, sad and lonely.  History is simply an account of facts from the past - and yet when you call it family history or personal history then it becomes an emotional look down memory lane.  It has taken me a couple weeks to comes to terms with who I was back then and some of the things that I wrote - but it was my life, it was how I felt and it was life experiences that have created who I am today.

I like how Ron said that I was the same person that I always have been - giving, loving and desiring to be accepted and loved by friends.  Nothing wrong with that, in fact my favorite author Jane Austen once wrote...

I too have no notion of loving people by halves - it is not in my nature either!  

And my personal history reflects that!  

BKK Biking is always and Adventure!

One of the things that I love about living in Thailand is biking.  And it is even better when a good friend comes to visit and we get to go riding three days in a row!  Carrie is living in Taiwan and popped on over for a quick visit and some fun.  

Thanks Carrie for the wonderful video - you captured my Thailand !